But on to the reason for my posting today or tonight in my case, looking behind my back for demons. Everywhere I have been in my life there have been demons on my back or right on my heels just waiting to trip me up and make me fall. Granted most of those times I have brought those demons on myself but still. Last night I got into a very heated argument with my conductor. Had we been anywhere but work it would have come to blows and one of us would have carried an ass whoopin. (You can take the man out of the mountains, but you cant take the mountain out of the man.) And truth be told I don't believe it would have been me but that's neither here nor there. One of my main jobs on the rail road is lacing air hoses, being that I am the switch man or switch bitch depending on which old head you talk to. Well over the last several nights I have mysteriously missed one hose per night and always around the halfway point of the night. It could be somebody messing with me. It could be those demons catching up to me and trying to trip me up again. More than likely and pure stubborn pride would not let me admit this last night is that I lost my focus for that split second. I could have walked right by one in a rush to get to the bottom of the train so I could get my happy ass back on the moderately warm cab of the locomotive. After all most of the cane cars do look alike and after a while they all blend together.
Both my conductor and engineer have covered my ass from day one. A fact that I have long taken for granted. And a couple of the comments that each made really struck a cord with me. "You are going to be just another cop with a badge and an attitude" and " You are going to loose your focus, not pay attention to detail and wind up with a bullet in the back of your head at 3am because you were asleep in your squad car." Now I have never been the most observant SOB on the planet but those remarks really struck a cord on my lack of attention to detail and my attitude when I get pissed. I do not back down easily and I do not admit I was wrong often but last night when I blew my top I was wrong. I went into the cab of the locomotive before I had a chance to calm down after having my balls broken over the radio and when my conductor asked me what was wrong I lost it. I told him he was being a smartass on the radio and truth be told he was. Now I'm not saying that I didn't deserve it but it still pissed me off. We basically got in one big shouting match where the proverbial straws that broke the camels backs where his, " Go cry to management on me" and my, Go jump in front of the F***ING train I could care less.
One a funny note about the night though the yardmaster called us shortly after my conductor had got pissed and left the cab of the engine and my engineer, also known as RT my one and only reader had started around front for some coffee. The following is a transcript of the conversation to the best of my recollection. "5 to 2 Tom.................... 5 to 2 Tom". After a few seconds silence I hear "5 to 4 Bill." "Go ahead Scott" "Yes sir Bill I just wanted to make sure you had not thrown Tom of the nose of the motor." "That's a negative Scott he is on his way around front to get a cup of coffee". Now despite how pissed off I was at the time I had to laugh at that.
Regardless of the circumstances leading up to last nights explosion I was wrong in more than one way. But in my opinion mostly for loosing my temper the way I did and blowing up at the ones that have covered my ass. And for that I apologize.
Love me or hate me, You will remember me
The Ramblin Hillbilly